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Great Barrier Reef Reincarnated as Good Barrier Reef

  • Annie Share
  • Oct 23, 2016
  • 1 min read

Last week the Great Barrier Reef was pronounced dead. Climate change and ocean acidification were reported to have killed off one of the most spectacular natural features on the planet.

Investigative reporters from The Freudian Slip announced yesterday that the Great Barrier Reef has been reincarnated as the Good Barrier Reef – still impressive, but just not quite like it used to be. The Great Barrier Reef previously harbored 1,625 species of fish, 3,000 species of mollusk, 450 species of coral, 220 species of birds, and 30 species of whales and dolphins. The Good Barrier Reef is home to nearly 7 clownfish, two stingrays that share one stinger, and an old boot.

The Freudian Slip encourages its readers not to panic. Resident marine biologist – turned satirical writer, Donnel Pruitt, reports, “It’s really not that bad. Sure, the corals are bleached, but what’s wrong with some clean stainless coral? Good isn’t great, but it’s still good. ”

Well, you heard him. The Freudian Slip firmly believes that we accept the reefs we think we deserve. Let’s make all our reefs good again.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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