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Student Practices Sex Noises in the Safety of the Gym

  • Sigmund Freud
  • Nov 3, 2016
  • 1 min read

After another disappointing display in the bedroom Thursday evening, Clark University first year Kevin Jones organized an impromptu leg day in the gym to practice his sex noises. “There is one noise that I just have not been able to get right yet.” He told The Freudian Slip while filling his water bottle, “I am going to try another set of squats, but the nuances of it simply evade me.”

The Freudian Slip tracked down Kevin’s most recent sexual partner, who confirmed that he sounded like a gorilla that just tasted grilled cheese for the first time.

Apparently, practicing sex noises while lifting weights in the gym is not uncommon at all. Multiple groups of students confirmed that they work out together to provide moral support and offer suggestions whenever someone needs the practice. According to Kevin’s workout buddies, “we go to the gym a lot.”

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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