Student Won’t Decide Who to Vote for Until 5 Minutes Before Polls Close

Jake Maston (‘20) revealed that he’s still putting off deciding who to vote for in the presidential election. “I’ve been hearing people talk nonstop about Hilary and Trump since probably sometime last year,” Maston told The Freudian Slip. “I don’t get why so much money and media attention has been spent expecting me to make a decision so far in advance.”

While Maston’s roommate decorated his half of the room with Jill Stein posters, Maston himself remains adamant about not wanting to form any definitive political opinions at this point in time. “I get out of class Tuesday at 1:25 and polls don’t close for like another 6 hours; it’s not like I’ll go into the voting booth uninformed. I recently did half a semester’s worth of psych readings the night before the midterm, so brushing up on each candidate’s policies in a single afternoon shouldn’t be a problem.”

Maston’s friends frequently discuss politics, even in his presence. According to his smoking buddy, Albert, Jake isn’t exactly uninterested, he’s just indecisive. “I’ve seen him nod along to my rants about Trump’s xenophobia. He also seems to at least partially believe in a few of the Hilary conspiracies that Joey always brings up.”

When he steps into the voting booth, Maston will be allowed several minutes to finally process a year and a half of name-calling, accusations, and surprisingly few policy debates. If he’s quick about making a decision on every down-ballot initiative, Maston should have time to play a quick game of Candy Crush and take a Snapchat of his ballot without causing a delay.

Maston is reportedly aware that Jill Stein and Gary Johnson exist as well. It’s even possible that he may end up voting for one of them. But nobody will know until he returns from the polls shortly after they close later this evening.

#Local