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Breaking: Air Canada Declared Winner of 2016 Presidential Election After Recount

  • Paul Dante Frissora
  • Dec 2, 2016
  • 2 min read

When the polls finally closed on the night of November 8th, America collectively sat at the edge of its seat, waiting for the word of who would become the next president of the United States of America.

The results which were announced, however, were met with confusion and shock, rather than the expected confusion and shock. Rather than Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, Deez Nutz, or Jill Stein being declared the newest leader of the free world, the FEC announced that Air Canada had been the real winner of the election. With profits soaring in the week of the election, the airline announced 200% growth-- spurred primarily by people looking to flee the country when faced with disfavorable presidential results.

“I saw the future of Clinton’s America and knew that that was an America that I couldn’t live in. Obamacare on drugs, a welfare state, a place that allows refugees? I won’t be able to risk that. Might as well move to Canada, where I know that none of these despotic policies will be in place” said Phillip Georges, a proud Trump supporter who The Freudian Slip’s Political Correspondence team spoke with via Skype interview. Georges admitted to having bought a one-way plane ticket to Canada when the prospect of a Democratic president first emerged at the beginning of the election cycle.

Participants on the other end of the political spectrum also admitted to having bought tickets to alternate countries.

“I couldn’t risk being in America for a Trump presidency. He says so many mean words. I could never live in a reality where those words become laws,” said a girl with some liberal bumper sticker placed brazenly on her laptop who we ran into at the AC.

It is people like these who have been cited as the source of 2016’s surprising election winner. As economist Magda Tsaneva postulated, so many people buying plane tickets ahead of the election propelled Air Canada to be a more profitable company than Rockefeller’s Standard Oil. However, America remains without a president, and the country is descending into anarchy, with only Barack Obama holding it together.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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