President Angel to The Scarlet: "No More Fake News!"

Last week President David Angel held a campus-wide forum to discuss recent administrative changes and budget allocations at Clark University.

President Angel commented on the departure of Mitch Kelley from the Office of Residential Life and Housing and the fuckton of money the University still plans to spend on International Gala. After his comments, Angel opened up the discussion to hear from both students and faculty.

Scarlet reporter Thomas Martin ('18) inquired about how the elimination of need-based financial aid might change the demographic makeup of the student body. Much to the surprise of Martin and the rest of the Clark community, Angel reacted violently. Amidst a display of projectile spitting and wildly waving his tiny, gentle lizard paws, Angel exclaimed, “No. No fake news at this press conference.”

Angel then turned to Freudian Slip reporter Molly Stern ('17). Stern asked the pressing question of whether or not pineapple will be a more frequent addition to the Higgins Dining Hall pizza station throughout spring semester. Angel replied, "Finally, a real news source I can respect..." Angel proceeded to pause for an uncomfortable amount of time, staring intently at Stern.

He then answered the question: "The short answer: no, where the fuck do you think we'd ever find the money for that?! The alternative answer: yes."

Members of the Clark community are disturbed by the President's recent behavior, and a small group of undergraduate students have already created a petition on Change.org to remove Angel from the administration. They suggest that one of the squirrels of Clark U replace Angel in the interim. Harry Brewer, Squirrels of Clark U Instagram Facilitator, comments, "Sure, the squirrels have no experience in education are are a little bit nuts, but we don't seem to have a choice."

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