Mutant Rats and Death Abound in JSC Bathrooms

Two weeks ago, a large hole appeared in the ceiling of one of the JSC 3rd floor bathrooms. No one seemed to know exactly when or how it had happened. Was it the result of some hooligan’s drunken night of revelry? Or perhaps someone was just jamming out to Hamilton too hard in the shower? Or maybe the building itself began to collapse under the pressure of its first exam of the second semester? No, in fact, the mysterious hole was caused by a group of rats looking for a new home after the collapse of federally funded science programs.

According to a confidential source, the rats thought JSC would be free of alternative facts and wanted to investigate. However, in their search for a new place of residence, they became a bit too enthusiastic and chewed straight through the ceiling, not unlike the rush of adrenaline a first year experiences when their bistro number goes live.

Last week, JSC maintenance staff was able to successfully repair the ceiling and round up the mutant rats. A recent survey of Clarkies showed that 85% of third floor JSC residents would be willing to let the rats stay in the dorms, so long as they stopped stealing other people’s milk out of the communal fridge. Despite the welcoming community, the rats have chosen to relocate elsewhere on campus, claiming that the Johnson-Sanford Center “smelled weird all the time.”

Clark University now seems to be employing these scientific anomalies as a group of underground teenage ninjas who will work to keep the Worcester community safe in these dark times. An exclusive interview with this new rodent task force revealed that, apparently, all they really want to do is “eat pizza and punch Nazis.”

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