Clark Campus Remains Completely Buried in Inches of Pure Cocaine, University Police Does Nothing

When Jack Foley sent out the email announcing the cancellation of classes and advising students to stay indoors, many thought that it was because of a looming blizzard in the forecast. These meteorological reports are now null and void, however, as the white powder that has been falling on Clark since early last Tuesday is nothing more than pure cocaine.

Although some research shows that occurrences like this aren’t uncommon, it is the response from the University Police that has been drawing controversy at Clark. As cocaine, the possession of which being a felony, remains piled up at Clark, the University Police and Physical plant are standing by and doing nothing to remove it. This could have severe legal consequences for the school. Since cocaine is illegal, it is reasonable to expect that if all of it isn’t gone within the next couple days, everyone at Clark could be arrested for possession.

Professor Steven Lawyerford of Harvard Law School weighed in on this predicament when contacted by The Freudian Slip’s legal correspondence team.

“Schools in New England aren’t taking this white powder seriously enough. The DEA are sticklers when it comes to enforcing drug laws. I can predict serious legal ramifications should the school ignore the millions of kilos of cocaine that’s on the ground, with punishments ranging from the cease of federal funds to the school to everyone at these schools getting arrested. If I were the attorney for schools in Worcester and New England, I’d advise them to get a vacuum and get everything off the ground. Not just from the sidewalks. Everything needs to be cleared of this drug. The Green, the rooftops, everything. This is perfectly reasonable to expect from the Physical Plant,”

University Police have not only been faced with attacks on a basis of legal repercussions but also the risk of harming the local community which already suffers from widening class differences from the elite students. Clara Thompson, a local mother, expressed her concern.

“I love taking my kids to the playground on Florence Street, they love the swings and the slides. But with all this cocaine on the ground I don’t feel safe bringing them there. What if they snort it, or worse-- try to sell it to the thousands of college students in the area?”

With calls to arrest whoever put the cocaine on the ground growing, the University police have yet to make any official statements.

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