Horoscopes: Seeds of Summer Edition

Libra: You associate everything with death. It’s excessive. Kinda bringing me down honestly. We get it, your loved ones are dead and an evil witch cursed all of you to die by thirty. Get over it. Jesus. Party pooper.

Aquarius: CONGRATS! You’ve won a LEXUS!

Pisces: That’s disgusting. Stop. Just stop. Ew. Jesus.

Scorpio: Go out and see a movie! You deserve a break! And by break I mean, “extended vacation away from your home where the zombies will gather.” Watch a film. Evacuate the premises for at least four days.

Virgo: You’re taking that class to fulfill credits remember? Which means you need to pass it? So...um why didn’t you do the weekly send in?? Come on. There is no excuse.

Scorpio: Today’s smell is Cinnamon and Gravity. I’m really feeling American Industrialism for you. Capitalism exists for you! Go out and buy an Insignia NS-42P650A11 - 42" 720p Plasma television. Go ahead, do it. Buy it weakling. Buy it now.

Capricorn: Those were not eggs you ate in the caf. Laugh it off. It’s fine, better not to think about it.

Aries: Your insecurities were right, they all hate you. Congrats.

Taurus: Karen, I just want you to know I clearly labeled the yogurt as mine in the fridge and I don’t believe you that eating it was an “accident.” The stars sure have pretty weird things to say… Oddly specific. Haha.

Gemini: This season you have the special opportunity to go back to square one. Return to your station. You’ve been discovered. Abort. Repeat Abort.

Cancer: This is the perfect month for love. The grass is growing the sky is clearing. However, this is not the perfect month for love for you. You will be horribly heartbroken. He was the love of your life. Shit. You’ll never do any better.

Leo: Your lucky numbers are: 7, and 8. Your lucky food is: fried calamari. Your lucky color is: green. You know what that means...

#Horoscope