Clark Confessions Replaces Big Tree As Number One Source of Shade on Campus

The ultimate source of shade on campus has long been contested. Between 1951 and 1953 it was student James “Gossiping Little Prick” Hamblin (‘53). For about an hour on October 7th 1959, it was a total solar eclipse. Between the years of 1980 and 1994 it was Dodd Hall. In 2009, the title was briefly held by the looming threat of urban gentrification. But, for the past four years the role has been held by the large tree in the center of the campus green.

Sociology Professor, Patricia Crass, has been studying University Campus Shade for the past six years, during which time she made some startling discoveries. She remarked that rapidly changing sources of campus shade is common phenomenon. However, this shift marks the first time the number one source of shade has been occupied by an anonymous online forum.

“In my years of study I’ve never seen shade with this level of anonymity, nor in this many numbers,” Crass said. Crass referred to this type of shade as “Crowd Sourced Shade”, which she admits will require further study to determine if it is dangerous.

“Although,” she added, blushing. “Someone said that I was their favorite professor. It… it really made me feel special.”

In the meantime, President Angel is advising students to remain calm and vigilant. Although, there was a report from a source (who wishes to remain anonymous) that Angel was seen browsing Clark Confessions on his phone and giggling to himself.

It’s still unknown what the long term effects of this kind of shade will have on the student body. Crass is currently applying for a LEEP scholarship to conduct further study. Though preliminary studies suggest that -- like all great auto-cannibalistic organisms -- Clark Confessions will destroy itself in a few months.

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