Student Throws Up at Academic Spree Day

On Academic Spree day this afternoon, a student was removed from the Academic Commons for throwing up on another student’s poster. When confronted by University Police, the student was confused and visibly intoxicated. According to Chief Goulet in a later statement, the student saw the sign saying “Spree Day” and assumed that a surprise, second Spree Day was in progress. Upon this discovery, said student returned to his dorm to down a couple shots, shotgun a beer, and enjoy a glass of Pinot Noir before going back to the Academic Commons, expecting a raucous celebration of spring and booze.

According to eyewitnesses, the young lightweight’s plans were otherwise going well when he threw up. Visibly angered by the upheaval, he started yelling at the attendants of Academic Spree Day, who according to him, were the “...nerds responsible for making Spree Day a lame school party”. He also attributed his vomiting to the presence of numerous academic materials and posters, citing that “[he] was allergic to knowledge”.

Following his removal, University Police released a statement confirming that the perpetrator of the day’s chaos was indeed mistaken in believing that there was a super secret, second Spree Day celebration. However, Chief Goulet has drawn criticism for stating that he will not be facing any charges for his public intoxication.

“The kid made an honest mistake, and as long as he doesn’t do it again he will be fine. He’s learned his lesson. After all, as he was sobering up and developing a hangover, he did say ‘Wow this is really making me learn my lesson,’ you gotta respect that.”

In the statement, University Police also referred to his good grades and participation in athletics at Clark, saying that going to jail would really impact his college career. The student whose poster he threw up on, however, has reportedly signed a non-disclosure agreement.

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