The Clark Cross Country Team Hosts a Party

EMS had a tough job last Saturday night, after the Cross Country team hosted a running themed party. Team members expressed unbridled excitement, while their friends displayed utter horror. Our reporter witnessed one member of the men’s team raise his cup of Rolling Rock, shouting “FOR THE ELECTROLYTES!” as one girl sat sobbing in the corner, incoherently muttering about “cross country kids,” “the baseball house,” and “Beyoncé.”

Our reporter conducted a few interviews throughout the night. One of the interviews was with a friend of the team: Lexis Weisroy (’20). She managed to speak between drinking water, gasping for air, and retying her Keds, “I just don’t understand. When I heard about the party, I thought that they were celebrating a race that they already ran. Like, what is wrong with them? What do they mean, ‘off-season exercise’? It’s a Saturday! I just came here for a lit night. This sucks.”

We managed to interview an EMS respondent, who graciously took the time for our reporter before collecting a group of college students. The respondent revealed the challenge of the night: “The whole thing is called a Wine Race Race, where they have teams of four finish a box and then run a 4x800. I am genuinely concerned about the non-athletes.” He then proceeded to attend to the students, who were each sporting at least one blister, chafed beyond belief, and throwing up cheap wine and regrets.

We saw the enthusiastic side of the party in an interview with one of the athletes, where it was revealed that they thought that the party was “lit as fuck, this was such a good idea! We should do a Power Half Hour Half Marathon next!”

As a trustworthy and completely honest news source, the Freudian Slip would like to take a moment to warn its readers on the dangers of Cross Country parties. The athletes really like running, and that makes them—frankly—weird as hell.

#Sports