University Police Hires First Ever Squirrel: Revolutionary!

Worcester employment rates for squirrels shot up last Wednesday, to a whopping .001% when Clark University’s Police shook paws with Mr. Acorn Bigtail and signed an employment contract for him to start as an on-campus officer the following Monday. After the deal was made, The Freudian Slip was able to catch UP Chief Stephen Goulet for a few words on what provoked the contract. “We have a very large squirrel population on the Clark campus, and are so very grateful for them,” Goulet stated. “We hope that the hiring of Mr. Bigtail will aid the squirrel economic crises that has hit this winter. We will be able to catch more students smoking the devil’s plant and partaking in illicit activities due to Mr. Bigtail’s ability to climb trees and smell better than any of us here at UP! We have a waiting period of 3 months, and if Acorn completes our expectations, we will continue hiring more squirrels as police officers.”

As for the student body, Clarkies are nervous about the new addition to the staff. Squirrels are already widely known on campus as being little bastards. They are always scurrying everywhere with their little feet, scavenging food to save their meaningless, pea-brain lives. Pitiful. Absolutely pitiful…

One can identify Mr. Bigtail from other squirrels by his official UP badge and custom-made squirrel gun that shoots acorns.

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