How to Rig a Clark Election: A Step by Step Guide for Inexperienced Political Figures

Rumor has it you were thinking of rigging an election at Clark university, but had no idea where to start. Have no fear; you’ve come to the right place. This is no easy task, but if you follow our guide, you’ll be well on your way.

Step 1: Locate a suitable candidate

While this may seem simple, choosing your puppet is no walk in the park (It’s ironic since puppets don’t have legs and can’t do anything without a hand up their ass. It’s a joke, I hope you laughed). An ideal candidate needs to have charm, charisma, and (most importantly) complete unawareness of their surroundings. This last point is crucial, as it will allow you to run a campaign however you see fit, with minimal interference. Some completely unnecessary, but fun characteristics to spice up the pot are moral ambiguity, sociopathic tendencies, and “cares” about the issues at hand. The last one is not so much for your benefit, but so the moronic masses have a figure to identify with.

Step 2: Demonstrate value

Now that you’ve chosen the ideal pawn, the next step is to prove they have what it takes. More likely than not, your candidate is incompetent or egotistical enough that they believe they’ll win no matter what. Your job is to manipulate the voting body into adoring your candidate, despite the fairly evident flaws. Make them a moral super hero. Throw cats in trees and have a ladder at the ready, or feed someone peanuts when they’re deathly allergic and have them nearby with an Epipen. The sky is the limit and your so-called “morals” (scoff) is the only thing holding you back.

Step 3: Engage physically

I know what you’re thinking. “I’m saving myself for marriage” or “I’m already in a ‘committed’ relationship” or “I’m just really not into the foot fetish thing and you’re freaking me out.” None of that matters. All that matters now is to solidify your place in the campaign. Be the first one they think of in the morning and the last person they see at night. Their desires are your desires, their insatiable libido and hankerings for sweet, sweet spooning are yours to fulfill. Be that big spoon, be what they need. Most importantly, do not forget that you are in control. Manipulate, deceive, and fuck your way to the top. Or make love, you do you (and the candidate).

Step 4: Nurture dependency

Step four is the most crucial part in establishing a lasting connection between you and your candidate. You need to prove to your figurehead how important you will be to the entire process, and that you are worth more to them than just your body. One way to accomplish this is to sabotage any attempts the candidate makes to be independent. Take whatever stupid idea they have, ruin it entirely, then swoop in with a solution that further advances your goals. Bring in side characters or stage an assassination attempt. Be the one in the area who can solve these problems and create a relationship where they can’t go on without you.

Step 5: Neglect emotionally

At this point your straw boss should be eating out of the palm of your hand. Every decision and whim is run by you. When you say jump, they say “how high?” If you tell them they can’t take a shit, you better believe they’re going to hold it in. Now it’s time to take a brief hands-off approach. In the wise words of many Sex Ed teachers, “It’s time you learn how to pull out.” Show them how easily they will fail without your guidance and intelligence. Avoid, evade, and don’t suggest anything. You are merely another member of the general masses, no longer their friend. Imagine they’re that one kid in class who doesn’t stop asking questions, and shun them relentlessly.

Step 6: Instill hope

This should come around election day. By this point, your candidate is struggling to stay ahead in the race. Time to grace them with your presence and return to their side. This will actually be the easiest step and requires next to no effort. Find five random students--literally any five will do--and make them vote for your candidate. More often than not, this will push them over the edge and guarantee a landslide.

Now’s the time to shine. Find your puppet and promise them the victory you’ve secured. Make sure to remind them how pivotal you were in changing the population's mind. When the results are in and the presidency is yours, it’s time to reap the benefits.

Step 7: Separate entirely

How you handle the first day in office will make or break the past week of focus. Before even beginning this endeavor, create your list of demands and rules that should be instilled. Make sure to be as vague as possible while still making you the main beneficiary. Hand your agenda directly to your pawn and make sure they follow through with all your goals in their first meeting in office.

Next, create a few off-campus accounts and embezzle some money. Have some rookie first year trying to get their foot in the Clark political atmosphere handle the transactions. My suggestion is to give them an empty promise of an invitation to an upperclassman party. Keggers always sound exciting to someone who hasn’t ever been to one. And now, it’s time to abandon ship like my father did when he went to treasure planet.

If your policies are anything like mine, there will be backlash and it’s essential to make sure it’s not directed at you. Remove all evidence of a connection with your candidate: this includes phone number and email. Start avoiding eye contact on campus, like they’re that one guy who super-liked you fifteen times but never matched. Come up with some alibis. The latest buzz on campus has been the beekeeping club. Word is that they are looking for members and would definitely cover for you ;).

If all has gone according to plan, your stay at Clark University should be a little more comfortable. This can apply to every position in student government, but some may require a little more effort than others. On a side note, Rodney Cargill would be an excellent candidate for our STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT and we think he’s got some great ideas to make Clark University gr8. 10/10 recommended vote and we can assure you that he will rock your world ;).

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