David Angel Sacrifices Cougar to Ensure Good Crop of Prospective Students

Cloaked in the secrecy of darkness, David Angel and Dean of Admissions Don Honeman gathered last night at the fire pit next to the Goddard library to make a sacrifice to Cømmonåpp, the ancient god of undergraduate admissions. They began the annual Halloween ritual by boiling a cauldron containing the tears of a rejected applicant, an individually packaged egg from the Bistro, and some leaves from a cannabis plant. Angel then placed the carcass of a cougar onto the flames while chanting in an old Celtic tongue. The ritual concluded with the prayer, “May this year’s crop of prospective students seek to challenge convention and change the world.”

Although the ritual is supposed to be secret, we had an exclusive interview with local paranormal detective Mitch Hauntings, who has been doing research on it. According to Hauntings, the ritual was started by a Clark professor who was trying to discover the secret to elite schools’ success when he unleashed supernatural forces beyond his control. According to his journals:

“Cømmonåpp demands blood. If he doesn’t get a sacrifice every Halloween, he will plunge Clark into a thousand years of declining enrollment!”