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Pope Francis Declares That Light Buttstuff Is Not a Sin

  • Paul Dante Frissora
  • Oct 31, 2017
  • 1 min read

VATICAN CITY: Breaking from thousands of years of Catholic tradition, Pope Francis shocked the world on Wednesday when he announced that Light Buttstuff is not a sin, and will not send you to Hell.

“Ne sis pollice erecto collo Serranus, te potest manducare paulo et asinus praesepe si vis” the Pope said to a congregation of over 5000 people during his weekly Sunday mass, “Propter necessitudinem cum caelesti Patre nostro, et erga matrimonii sanctitatem remanebit incolumes.”

This announcement is the newest in a set of newer, more progressive doctrines that Pope Francis has set for the Church. More tolerance for LGBT individuals, Atheists, and Puppies has marked his Vatican as one of the more progressive in recent history, emphasizing personal virtue over other labels.

In response to this announcement, couples around the world rejoiced by participating in light butt stuff, but not heavy butt stuff. Heavy butt stuff is still a sin, Karen. The light butt stuff was universally performed by married couples, and for the sole purpose of procreation.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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