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President Trump Found Dead On Halloween; Child Dressed as Obama's Legacy Spotted Fleeing the Sce

  • Paul Dante Frissora
  • Oct 31, 2017
  • 1 min read

WASHINGTON D.C: In a shocking report today, the White House announced that President Trump was found dead on the White House stoop at 9:02 p.m. on October 31st-- Halloween. The White House itself hasn’t released many details on what happened, but they issued a statement that included orders for flags to be flown at half-staff, details on when Mike Pence would be sworn in, and general condolences to the Trump family.

The security tapes from that night, however, tell a different story. Leaked by an unknown hacker, the tapes show a trick-or-treater approaching the White House. This child was dressed as the legacy of former US President Barack Obama. Wearing a bedsheet displaying graphs of Obama’s approval ratings and a mask portraying economic and social stability, the child rang the White House doorbell at exactly 9:00 in the evening. Two minutes later, the President himself opened the door. Upon seeing one of the biggest threats to his ego, President Trump immediately died of fear.

The trick-or-treater was last seen fleeing the scene of the heart attack. Their motives are unknown. Was this a genuine child who was running out of fear? Or, was this a very short Russian spy, who knew what they were doing by dressing up as Obama’s legacy? The FBI and CIA are both working on the case.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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