The Definitive Ranking of all Six Playfest Shows Based Solely on the Food

Playfest may already be over, but it’s never too late for serious dramaturgical criticism.

So much hard work went into these six phenomenal plays. Over the past few months, current students and Clark alumni came together as writers, actors, directors, stage managers, producers, crew members, and a few people who no one's quite sure what they did but they were always hanging around the Little Center. The end result was six weeks of incredible theatre.

But as we all know, the most important part of any theatrical performance is not the writing or the acting or the directing or even the sound design (though the soundtracks this year were fire, shout out to whoever's job that was). No, the most important part of any play is the food.

With that in mind and without further ado, here is the definitive list of all six shows of Playfest 2017 ranked based on their food.

Warning: This article contains spoilers for six plays you can't even see anymore because Playfest ended weeks ago. #SorryNotSorry

6. B!tch

B!tch was May Feynman's ('18) hilarious and irreverent murder farce. There was plenty of fake blood, offstage sex, gay murder-suicide, and fabulous performances from the whole cast. However, there wasn't any food. And before you start to question my drama critic credentials, let me remind you that two cups of coffee and an obscene amount of wine does not count as food. Those are just facts. Don't let anyone tell you differently. So, despite being a really funny show, B!tch gets the lowest spot on our list because there wasn't any food.

5. Bert's Cardiac Arrest

One step ahead of B!tch is the other farce from this year's Playfest. Cardiac was written by Samson Martin ('19) and while his plotless play about a party turned murder scene was quite funny, the food wasn't great. Every single character complained about the snacks—seriously, who only serves olives and shrimp at a birthday party? The titular character literally had a heart attack onstage from alcohol poisoning. Bad food still counts as food though, so Bert's Cardiac Arrest gets the number five spot on our list.

4. Glass Walls

Glass Walls was the touching story of a young high school teacher's mentorship of one of her students who helps her come to terms with the fact that she might be on the autism spectrum. Bob Waters ('17) clearly put a lot of heart into the writing of what was a truly heartfelt and genuine play. But with only a couple of bags of popcorn, some wine and coffee, and a few offstage lunches, there wasn't much food, and that's what really matters here. However, unlike Bert's Cardiac Arrest, the food in Glass Walls actually sounding appetizing. For that, it ranks fourth on our list.

3. The Lavenders

In a Playfest full of contemporary plays dealing with contemporary issues Emily Denny ('17) wrote a period piece set in the 1950s. Despite its historical setting, The Lavenders still felt modern and relatable. And, as is to be expected in a play where one third of the set is a kitchen, there was food! Lavenders is the first show on our list to feature what some might call an actual meal: sandwiches. They're only onstage for one scene, but those sandwiches combined with a plate full of hors d'oeuvres and a whole lot of alcohol snagged this play the number three spot.

2. Reunion

Alyssa Spencer's ('17) Reunion dealt with themes of love, power, and moving on after college. And also, Chinese food. They talked a lot about Chinese food. Sandwiched in between incredible scenes showcasing the emotional struggles between the main character, her ex-girlfriend from college, and her current boyfriend, there was an entire sequence in which she talked about ordering Chinese food. But the fact that egg drop soup was present and discussed in the emotional final scene is what really cemented Reunion as our second-place pick.

1. Us

Us, written by Toni Armstrong ('19), was an emotional rollercoaster. Capturing grief in a raw and authentic manner, while also dealing with struggles faced by the LGBT community, this show had all of us sobbing in our theatre seats. And you know what? Food actually plays a role in the plot! But what can you expect when one character's dream is to open his own restaurant? He kept the food coming, and his need to keep his friends well-fed even in the face of tragedy is what places Us as the number one Playfest show when it comes to food.

The Freudian Slip would like to offer our congratulations to everyone who was involved with Playfest this year, especially all the people who had to wrangle the food. You guys are the true unsung heroes.

[Photo Credit to Jay Sundar Rajan]

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