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Centrists Bravely Announce Plans to not Participate in Christmas Dinner Arguments, during Christmas

  • Paul Dante Frissora
  • Dec 5, 2017
  • 1 min read

As bastions of apoliticism in today’s heated political climate, centrists from across America have bravely announced plans to stay out of all upcoming arguments around the Christmas dinner table. Surrounded by turkey, salad, many fishes, and mashed potatoes, these wise keepers of civility on holidays showed their true maturity by refusing to call out their racist relatives.

This earth-shaking movement to stay out of uncomfortable political arguments was staged during one such of those arguments. As Uncle John Smith yelled about Obamacare to Cousin Jane Doe, our apolitical heroes from across the United States swooped in at exactly the right moment to remind the Christmas guests that:

“[I] am completely staying out of this argument. Both sides are wrong.”

With this message of neutrality smugly in the books, centrists from around the country were now able to continue working on their ham and green beans; consciences cleansed of the political splits within their families.

These plans are a follow up to their heroics two weeks ago on Thanksgiving, when they bravely refused to take sides on very grey issues like Roy Moore, and healthcare.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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