It's Women's History Month and Girls Still Leave Me on Read?

Every year, March brings the same traditions: another Rosie the Riveter documentary, this and that about Susan B. Anthony and Rosa Parks, macaroni art dedicated to our mothers; here at The Freudian Slip we have seen it all.

This year, The Freudian Slip Feminist Discourse Investigative Team chose to address women through a largely ignored lens: their failures to fill the void in my heart. Growing up watching classic movies like The Garden State, Annie Hall, and 500 Days of Summer, I dreamt of the day when a hot, eccentric, ukulele-playing woman would fix my depression with her mysterious, trauma-laden background. Now, a woman texts me for an hour straight, leaves me on read, and lacks the decency to even message me things like:

“We just don’t fundamentally work. You have too many issues with your father that are unresolved, and you also eat standing up. That’s fucking weird. I told my friends about the lint collection you keep and they were also grossed out. You’re an animal.”

Now I can’t go on a date with her, nevermind the fact that I have not even had the chance to ask her to see The Garden State with me yet. Probably for the better anyway. If I get stabbed on yet another street corner, she’d probably just walk past and leave me on ‘seen’ to die.

So why does this happen? After poking around a bit, The Freudian Slip Online Discourse Investigative Team has found the answer in the form of a Reddit comment left by user /u/696969bigtittyihavelotsofsexlord696969:

“Women only choose bad boys.

They leave the concept of finding ‘a good partner’ up to chance and completely ignore anything besides big muscles and grey SUVs that have those cool tiny televisions in them. Women love those televisions they can watch The Garden State on. It’s a classic film, a true masterpiece of cinema.”

Despite all of this, I will not be discouraged. I scan the message boards on Fortnite every day. I am passionate, cuckolded, libertarian, diligent, chivalrous, beautiful, handsome, entrepreneurial, and single. Additionally, I am very open-minded… to a polyamorous relationship that involves me being the poly and girls being amorous… toward me and no one else unless it’s another hot girl that we can have a threesome with. I also do not have an SUV, but I do have a Mercedes-Benz. If anybody is interested in pursuing courtship, they can anonymously contact me either through 508-793-7777, or by messaging The Freudian Slip on Facebook, Grindr, or Twitch.

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