10 Things You Can Put in Your Backpack Instead of a Chicken

1. Textbooks

Hey, these are things that are supposed to go into a backpack. Sure they're expensive, but they let you learn while simultaneously respecting the hell out of the animal kingdom.

2. Your Laptop

Are your textbooks too heavy? Do you have a propensity to pirate textbooks off of libgen.io? Well then it may be better for your back to lug around a Macbook that you can tippity tap on during class instead!

3. My Laptop

It's heavy. Carry it for me. Please. But please don't steal it either. The fifth floor of the library, much like a petting zoo, is a place that should not be stolen from.

4. A Healthy, Vegetarian Snack

A stalk of organic broccoli? An individually packaged egg? A celery? All of these delicious treats have important nutrients and also happen to be kosher! These cruelty-free morsels can fit into many types of backpack pockets, so plan accordingly!

5. Pencils, a lot of them

How the heck are you going to write your finals without a pencil, nerd? Pack some fresh Dixon Ticonderogas into a handy dandy case and maybe throw in a nifty sharpener as well. Pencils can go anywhere, too! They are so versatile.

6. A Clark University™ branded water bottle full of Everclear

How are you going to sneak a full 750mL glass bottle of rocket fuel past your RA? In a backpack, of course! Use this convenient device to stealthily hide illicit substances when it matters most.

7. A Bible

As we all know, this handy little handbook tells us all, "Thou shalt not steal." This phrase applies to many things: money, for the most part; laptops; your best friend's fiance that they've been in a committed relationship with for the past six years; and chickens, most importantly.

8. Two Bibles

If you have already stolen a few feathered friends, perhaps you need two Bibles to really drive the point home. One of them you can read in your free time, the other you can give to a friend who is perhaps also considering committing a party foul by stealing fowl.

9. Three Qurans

Perhaps you don't adhere to Christian doctrine. This advice applies to any faith, really. How many holy books equal the average weight of one American chicken? Have fun doing that math and then carry around that number of religious texts instead of a whole bird.

10. ANOTHER BACKPACK

PUT ANOTHER BAG IN YOUR BAG, YOU MANIAC. YOU ABSOLUTE MADMAN. YOU UNIT, YOU. Defy all expectations, laws, and Western values by cramming as many backpacks as you can into the one you're already carrying around campus with you. Challenge convention, change our world! Hell, you could even visit the International Backpack Emporium and just go WILD!

If you follow these simple steps, the human race may be able to avoid a Planet of the Apes type scenario where we are the ones shoved into backpacks and left in dirty dorms.

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