An Idiot's Guide to Navigating Kelley Square (With Pictures!)

Why are you reading this article? Let's be honest. You came to us for help. We're not entirely sure what your demographics are. Are you reading this article because you've just stumbled upon this link on Facebook? Maybe you are a resident of Worcester who is desperate to unravel the mystery of how to get around such a cursed ground. Whatever your background is, we understand: You want to figure out the monstrosity that is Kelley Square. And I'm here to help.

Firstly, this is called "An Idiot's Guide" for a reason. If you are planning on driving through Kelley Square in any capacity, you are either too foolish or too brave. You dummy. You oaf. You buffoon. If you have such a reckless sense of abandon that you would sooner brave the labrynth of Kelley Square, rather than, say, ride a horse to your destination, then you really do need this help.

Tip #1: You have no friends, only enemies.

Maybe you're trying to get onto I-290 and head home for the weekend. Maybe you're looking for a nice dinner in Worcester's Canal District. Whatever the case, you're going to approach it from one of five roads. Maybe more than that if you've already gotten your car totaled. When you start to go through it, keep in mind that you are swimming through shark infested waters. Every driver in every car is trying their best to make sure that you don't make it out. Do you see a driver giving you a friendly gesture to take the right of way? Don't trust them, it's a Siren's song. The minute you inch out into that intersection under such false hope a Worcester city bus is going to barrel exactly through your car.

Tip #2: Be Aggressive.

This is a battlefield, not a Virginia Reel. Don't ease up just because you've safely made it to that weird island in the middle of Kelley Square. There's going to be a lot of cars passing by you, and because there aren't any traffic lights, rotary signals, and limited stop signs, you may not know when or where to go. The answer? Just floor it. Kelley Square is like prison. Go up to the biggest car you see and T-Bone it to establish your authority.

Tip #3: Bear Right.

There are approximately 1,051 signs in Kelley Square telling you which way to go, so this is actually the easiest part. Just bear right! Unless you're going onto Water Street from Madison Street, in which case you have to take a sharp left through a line of cars. Or unless you're getting onto the I-290 East ramp from Kelley Square, which forces you to block an intersection while idling on a bridge that is bumpier than teenager's face. Well, at least it stays simple when you come in from the highway. Oh wait. You can go any matter of directions if you're coming in from I-290. I'm attaching a revised version of the above image with all of the true directions you can go if you're in Kelley Square.

Tip #4: Avoid the One-Way Streets.

I'll go full disclosure here. The diagrams that I so graciously supplied for the educational purposes of this article may not be 100% accurate. The reality of Kelley Square is that there are three one-way streets that you can wind up on if you're not careful. One wrong turn, and you can be going the wrong way down a street where it's too narrow to even pull over for an ambulance (of which there are many passing through, because Kelley Square seems to have a higher injury rate than a helmet-less football game on ice).

Tip #5: Just try to avoid it entirely, okay?

I don't care how brave you think you are. We don't care if you think you're the next Formula 1 great. There are about 3,000,000 smarter ways to get to you destination than to travel through Kelley Square. Ride a horse down 290 (The signs tell you not to do that, but they also tell you to use your blinkers and you Massachusetts drivers don't follow that suggestion, so why should this one be any different?). Get onto the highway via another ramp, like the one on Southbridge Street which is just as complex as Kelley Square, but with the added benefit of looking like an idiot in front of some Holy Cross students. Learn teleportation. Become an anarchist and take a jackhammer to every road in Worcester. Wait never mind, don't do that, no one would be able to tell the difference. Okay, maybe driving on Kelley Square is an inevitable part of life in Worcester, like death, taxes, and nearly getting zoinked by a speeding car on Main Street.

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