SQUIRRELS VS. POSSUMS: Rodents of Clark Unite Against Beloved “Squirrels of Clark U”

By now, most Clarkies are familiar with the established @squirrelsofclarku Instagram account, which showcases the most prominent woodland creatures on campus: squirrels.

Although the Instagram is beloved by many, clearly not all members of the Clark community have embraced its popularity. A fierce competition already exists between the squirrel-centric account and the like-minded @guineapigsofclarku. And, incensed by the recent surge in popularity of both accounts, other rodents have begun to fight back.

The movement has made its goals clear; evidently, the rebellion is a campaign to collectively gather more attention for other campus rodents and eventually outpace the currently almighty squirrels.

Recently the rodent revolution adopted a newfound furry fury. On Sunday night, a frenzied possum was spotted running across the grass outside the Bistro. The animal’s appearance drew two distinct crowds. One was pressed as close as possible to the windows of the establishment to witness this glorious uprising; the other moved far, far away because according to one spectator, “it was gross.”

The possum later claimed in an exclusive interview that it was acting “for the cause.” When asked for further clarification, it played dead. Later, a note composed of what appeared to be letters cut from The Scarlet was found hanging on the window of the Bistro. It featured the possum’s Instagram handle, but no further information about the incident.

A spokesman for the underground rodent movement, who wishes to remain anonymous, voiced its concerns to The Freudian Slip. “We’re sick and tired of squirrels running the show around here,” it said. “How can Clark claim not to marginalize anyone, but then let those fluffy tyrants hog the spotlight? Just because possums are ‘weird’ and ‘kind of disgusting’ and ‘aren’t they nocturnal, what was it doing outside the Bistro at 6 PM in broad daylight’ doesn’t mean we don’t deserve respect. It’s ridiculous.”

Spectators in the UC were warned that the contentious Squirrel vs. Possum rivalry is likely to escalate and may cause further disturbances on campus.

There have also been rumors of rogue guinea pigs frequenting the halls of first-year dorms. The first-year dorms declined to comment, but we will continue our investigation into this next phase of the rodent revolution.

#Local #Squirrels