What to Expect from Baseball This October

Leaves are turning gold, winds are beginning to bite, and cold gray mornings are giving us cold gray rains. Fall is certainly here. And with the beginning of fall comes the annual end of America’s favorite pastime, baseball.

Major League Baseball’s playoffs begin in October, and with teams from all over the country making bids for the Fall Classic, you may be wondering how to cash in on this. Sports-betting is, and always has been America’s second favorite pastime. Ask anyone: Arnold Rothstein, Pete Rose, or your estranged uncle—America is at its best when people are putting their children’s college funds on the table for a chance at that slice of glory.

But maybe you’re just a sports-hating millennial who doesn’t know how to gamble? All that time you spent trying to outlaw football and get single payer participation trophies detracted from the time you could have spent learning about gambling. Fear not, young Clarkie. We here at the Freudian Slip Sports Gambling Team are here to tell you where your money is safe.

The 1919 Chicago White Sox

It’s still not too late to bet against the White Sox for the 1919 World Series. We here at the Freudian Slip Sports Gambling Team have word from several verifiable sources that a bet against the 1919 Chicago White Sox is a bet for your bank account.

Players Remembering to Have Fun

The classic baseball scenario: a dejected team sits in the clubhouse, morosely pondering how their season, which had grown to be so hot, is about to end so cold. They have faced many obstacles throughout the season, primarily ten-year-olds infiltrating the clubhouse and front office. But now, on the eve of what they thought was their defeat, they remember something: the reason they spent so much time winning was because they spent so much time having fun.

If you put roughly $3,000,000 on a team remembering to take joy in the game, you’re going to come out a millionaire.

Over/Unders on Game Length

One of the most pressing topics in baseball this year has been the length of ball games. The suits and ties up in the commissioner’s office want every game to last exactly 150 seconds. The players and managers, who respect the old-school values of our pastime, want every game to last for about 60 hours. According to our sources, these two ideologies are going to clash in October—and you can be on the profiting side of the conflict.

Usually people would bet on longer stretches of time for playoff games. The pitchers take their time, savoring each moment in the center stage. Reviews and replays of suspicious rulings add even more time, especially in high-stakes situations. According to our friends at BusinessInsider.com, the average playoff game takes more than 3.5 hours. Some people will bet over, some will bet under. But you’re a genius. And you’re going to take the over on a six hour baseball slugfest. Because you have Usain Bolt on your side.

By that I mean that you have to hire Usain Bolt, the fastest man in the world. Here’s the plan: when a fan runs onto the field during a ballgame, all play stops while the security guards try to make the daily ESPN highlight reels with concussion-inducing tackles. But what if they can’t catch the person on the field? As Usain Bolt dashes in between every poor body that’s thrown at him, Yakety Sax plays over the stadium’s loudspeakers. No one can catch him. The game lasts for six hours and forty minutes, and you’ve won the bet. If you take this bet, you’ll finally be able to make the minimum payment on Clark’s tuition.

The Baltimore Orioles.

To the uninformed eye, the Baltimore Orioles may not be a good team to put money on in October. They finished this season with one of the worst records in baseball, they’ve traded away their stars, and they have players who are having historically bad seasons themselves. This works in your favor. If you’re the dark horse betting on the O’s to win it all, that’s more money in your pocket if they win. The trick here is getting the Orioles to actually win.

Maybe the Orioles have technically been mathematically eliminated from any playoff contention this year, but maybe we don’t care. That’s because we have a plan. All you need is approximately 2.175 billion dollars. First you need to purchase the franchise. If you already have the money, that shouldn’t be too hard.. According to Forbes, the Orioles are worth just over one billion dollars. This leaves another billion to play with once you have the team’s puppet strings in your hands.

Your next step is to marry into the Manfred family. Rob Manfred, the commissioner of Major League Baseball, rules the organization with an iron fist. But maybe he’ll listen to you: his new in-law with a penchant for charisma and a passion for diplomacy. All you need to do is work your charms on him. With one more bat of your eyes, he’ll be accepting a $500 million dollar bribe to change the rules of baseball. The first adjustment should be that the playoffs will now only feature the teams with the worst records, and make the second that there is no longer a trade deadline, as well as the annulment of both the luxury tax and cap space restrictions.

So where are we now? We’re looking at a riveting fall playoff between the Baltimore Orioles, The Kansas City Royals, the New York Mets, and the Texas Rangers. It’s Blue October all over again, but this time with some orange. Now comes the easy part: you still have $500,000,000 on you, so gamble half of it on the Orioles. Then use the remaining $150 million to sign some big names to the O’s. Get Manny Machado back for starters. Sure you may have just traded him to the Dodgers, but they’re a big market; you can negotiate a lower price for him. Next, sign Bryce Harper, Clayton Kershaw, Josh Donaldson, and every other free agent to minimum deals. They may be stars and superstars in their own rights, but use some of that charm—or maybe some well-placed injuries—to drive down their values.

The crux of all this planning and manipulating is that it has to be done entirely in secret. The baseball and gambling worlds cannot find out that you’ve been conglomerating the world’s best baseball stars into an all-powerful Franken-team. You have to keep up appearances, and those appearances are that the Baltimore Orioles are still on pace to have one of the worst seasons in baseball history.

Well, now you have made yourself a genuine baseball super team. The 1927 Yankees and the 2001 Mariners are feeble weaklings compared to this new Baltimore Orioles organization. Imagine the surprise of everyone who betted against them when the 2018 O’s take the field and sweep the playoffs, making you millions in the process. And oh yeah, Cal Ripken Jr. just called—he says that he can die happy now.

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Well, if you followed these top-notch gambling tips, you’re definitely a millionaire now. There’s no need to thank us here at the good ol’ Slip, except for maybe a small donation of five million in unmarked notes if you’re feeling generous. And always remember: we’re just a website, so you can’t sue us.

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