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Editorial from the Desk of Parker: Candy Corn Sucks

  • Parker Debaryshe
  • Nov 3, 2018
  • 2 min read

In response to the influx of candy corn fanatics in the past week, I am forced to write this editorial. My voice needs to be heard over the chaotic din of raving candy corn lunacy. Anyway, have you ever heard of plastic? Have you ever attempted to eat it? Well whether you know it or not, you have experienced the offense against all things good that is candy corn.

Created in the 1880’s, candy corn is a sign that all is lost. It was brought into this world through unholy means, and serves as a constant reminder of the slow death of culture. Frankly, it’s just awful. The seasonal argument in defense of candy corn is bullshit, and if you think it’s a festive treat you are an idiot. Why have candy corn when you can indulge in literally any other candy. It’s weird and crumbly, and feels like you’re eating a dry candle. Ever eaten a candle before? No? Well I have, and I can tell you from experience that a candle is far superior to candy corn in every way: texture, flavor, smell. It can’t even function as a candle, pull your shit together. If you try to burn candy corn, it just makes a mess, and smells awful.

Also, its just ugly, straight up. It is not an aesthetically pleasing candy, unlike the simplicity of Skittles, or the perfect form of a gummy bear. White, orange and yellow? Who thought that was a good idea? When they try to make candy corn more interesting, it doesn’t work, and is just stupid. Pumpkin-shaped candy corn is a clear cash grab, and just gives you larger portions of something you never want to consume.

As of 2016, 9 billion pieces of candy corn are produced a year. This is a hate crime against our taste buds, and candy corn should be held accountable for its war crimes. How about this: imagine candy corn, but if it was like, a carrot or something fucking stupid like that. Wouldn’t that be just awful? Oh wait, I just googled candy corn while writing this, and have realized that an abomination called carrot corn exists. This is a bastard creation, and candy corn has no right to encroach on another time of the year.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that candy corn is disgusting, and production should be ceased immediately for the benefit of humanity.

 
 
 

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Hipster Quote of the Week:

" The message at the end of “The Tortoise and the Hare” isn’t that ‘slow and steady wins the race’, but actually a well-remembered quote from the 1977 Disney classic “A New Hope”: “Great kid! Don’t get cocky”. Bullshit that the hare was gonna lose that race if he didn’t choose to stop for a nap and a snack and whatever else he did. Bullshit that the tortoise was going to catch up in any capacity if the hare didn’t slow down for him. Maybe that platitude makes sense, but definitely not in this situation.

 

A race is a sheer contest of speed. No other skills go into that. The tortoise and the hare aren’t making miniature wooden horses and getting judged on the craftsmanship of their products alongside their finish time; they are moving from one point to another. In no universe does slow and steady win that race. Slow and steady wins no races, except for races where the point is to go as slow as possible. Even in cases where slow and steady could be considered a possible alternative to fast, such as the aforementioned miniature-wooden-horse-making competition, someone who can do similar quality work at a much faster pace still wins that competition.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race. Not being too full of yourself does.."

 

~Nick Gilfor

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